Chapter 32 - Grief

“Dad, what are you wearing? It looks— It looks…” Gohan stammered.

Goku grinned, embarrassed, and scratched the back of his head. He was still wearing the outfit he had gotten on Vegeta-sei. When he chose it he never expected anyone he knew to actually see him wearing it.

He should have changed – he was planning on changing as soon as Vegeta woke up. He refused to leave his prince’s side for even a moment. He hated to admit it, but he was afraid the Kais would take advantage of Vegeta’s temporary helplessness. Goku guarded him, alert to every slight change in ki in the surrounding area. He was only slightly comforted by the nearby presence of Gohan and Piccolo. He sat, watching and waiting, holding his prince as he slept, mind and body healing from the devastating attack.

Fortunately, Yamcha had come up with the idea of raising their kis – Goku had been able to lock on his son’s energy like a beacon calling him home. When they appeared in the room, Piccolo was the closest he had ever seen to panic. There was something desperate and frightening in the way the Namek had snatched them out of the circle, practically throwing them across the room in his efforts to get them clear.

Goku had hardly noticed – by then all he cared about was saving Vegeta’s life. Fortunately, Dende had been at his side immediately. Between the Guardian’s efforts and a senzu from Gohan, Vegeta survived.

Chichi giggled as she set heaping plates in front of Vegeta and himself. “I like it, Goku. It looks hot – positively pornographic.”

“Mooooommm,” Gohan complained, covering his ears. Piccolo rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Back off, woman,” Vegeta growled. “He’s mine now.”

Goku grinned and blushed as Vegeta’s tail coiled possessively around his own. They had only been up a few minutes when Chichi had come pounding on the door, their son in tow. She wouldn’t accept any excuses, barging in, a case of food capsules in hand, demanding to know what had really happened. Goku sympathized with his son – both he and Gohan knew better than try to interfere with her plans when she was like this.

Vegeta had wanted to send them away – not surprisingly, he wasn’t really ready to see anyone yet. Goku wanted to agree – he wasn’t either - but a quick check revealed there was nothing left to eat in the house. Between Vegeta’s hunger and her stubborn refusal to just drop off the food and leave, Chichi stayed. When Piccolo showed up, Vegeta scowled at the Namek and let him in.

“Sure. Why don’t we just have a fucking party?” Vegeta grumbled under his breath.

Goku was very aware how depressed Vegeta was already becoming. He had felt the beginning of it during their last hours on Vegeta-sei, but now it was barely suppressed. Vegeta’s dreams had been dark and frightening, with visions of pain and death – almost like his prince was punishing himself. Vegeta believed everything had gone wrong and blamed himself; Goku didn’t agree, but knew it would take some time and effort to convince him otherwise.

As usual, his ex had been working like a mad-woman, insisting Gohan tell her the instant their kis changed when they woke up. Goku was becoming convinced she had monitors or something in their kitchen – she always knew when there wasn’t enough decent food left.

Chichi – always brave, but more foolhardy than she realized at the moment – put her head between theirs and chuckled. “I know some people who can make one of those for you too, Vegeta,” she whispered. “Maybe even modify Goku’s a bit – some extra loops and straps – make it easier to use.”

Goku shook his head at her, wide-eyed, begging her to stop. He knew what Chichi was implying and his prince wasn’t ready for it.

Vegeta turned, obviously uncomfortable at her proximity, and looked at her, confused, “Easier to use?”

Goku and Gohan turned scarlet at her stage-whisper of a response.

“You know – keep him under control. Or maybe he can keep you…” She laughed at Vegeta’s horrified expression. “Oh come on, Vegeta. Don’t tell me you didn’t know! I thought you would have played with them by now. Goku has this thing about restraints…”

Vegeta scowled at her and for a tense moment Goku thought he would shove her away. Then he turned back to his food and began eating with a single-minded determination. ::Your woman is insane, Kakorr.::

::Come on, Vegeta. You know she’s not,:: he laughed, embarrassed.

::Restraints?::

Goku nearly blushed as he visualized Vegeta wearing nothing but straps. He didn’t dare admit he had thought exactly the same thing.

“Are you okay, Piccolo?” Goku asked, quickly changing the subject.

Vegeta rolled his eyes as Piccolo grumbled something about a ‘hellcat’. “Woman, why in the hell did you hit the Namek with a frying pan?”

“Because without it she would have hurt her hand?” Goku suggested, teasingly, trying to calm a very tense prince.

He grinned when he heard Vegeta’s mental sniff of amusement.

Chichi stopped bustling around the kitchen, putting things away, and glared at Piccolo. “Because he sent you home without any warning.” She placed another plate in front of Vegeta. “It must have been so upsetting.”

“Mom, I already told you – it wasn’t his fault. We didn’t know,” Gohan said, refilling his own plate.

Vegeta scowled. “I’m not some child, woman.”

“Of course you aren’t. But still…It couldn’t have been easy,” Chichi said sympathetically.

“Some thanks I get,” Piccolo grumbled. “I could have killed you, you know.”

Chichi laughed. “You wouldn’t do that. It would upset Gohan.”

“Bitch,” Piccolo muttered under his breath.

“Yeah, I know. Isn’t it great?” Chichi asked with a grin.

-----------------

Goku took a deep breath, drinking in Vegeta’s scent. His prince was curled up against him, purring drowsily, tails twined together and arms holding him close.

He purred as Vegeta shifted and held him even more possessively, the heat of his prince warm against his skin. They had only been back a few days and Vegeta had been more aggressive and angry than he had been for months, reminding him of the very first time they had met. Just minutes ago Vegeta’s eyes practically glowed as they made love, thrusting into Goku with desperation, trying to rebuild his world of strength and control. Goku could only whimper with pleasure and cling to him as Vegeta’s old anger rose to the surface as he struggled to cope with the pain of losing his home and people again. There had been a moment when Vegeta was afraid he was going too far, but Goku had understood his need and held his prince tighter, begging for more.

“Vegeta…” he said hesitantly, fingers delicately tracing designs on his back, “Are you sure you are going to be okay?”

Goku was worried - his prince felt so… dark… morose… guilt-ridden. It was as if everything that had happened in the past had shattered something in his prince. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the Kais or leaving his home again. Did Vegeta regret their journey now? There was an entire section of his prince that was closed-off and blocked from him. He had felt it slightly while they were still on Vegeta-sei, but now the impression was even stronger. He survived, but he wasn’t really living.

Vegeta raised his head and looked at him, blue eyes shimmering with ki. “Why wouldn’t I be, Kakorr?”

“It’s just…” ::If it were me… I mean… I didn’t know Rouba or anything, and it bothered me leaving her there.::

Vegeta put his head back down on his chest and Goku could feel him drawing in again. “I’m not you, Kakorr,” he growled softly.

Goku trailed his fingers through chestnut spikes thoughtfully. When Vegeta withdrew like this he was usually hiding something – and almost always from himself. “Well… you are, kind of. I mean… the bond and all. So sometimes you are me in a way.”

Vegeta didn’t answer, instead renewing his earlier efforts, his tongue tormenting his nipple. Goku gasped when a hardening nub was grasped and pulled with sharp teeth.

“Vegeta, stop,” he said, ignoring his body’s wishes. Vegeta continued his pleasant torture until Goku buried his hand in his prince’s spikes, gently tugging. “No, Vegeta,” he said, unwillingly pulling his prince’s mouth away.

::Kakorr?:: Vegeta asked, confused at the rejection.

::No. You do this every time I bring up something that bothers you. You keep avoiding it.::

Vegeta narrowed his eyes at him and snapped his tail. “I’m not avoiding—”

“Yes you are. Have you given up on mating? You change the subject every time I bring it up.”

“Maybe it’s better this way,” Vegeta frowned. “I’m obviously a target – if we were mated you would be as well.”

“Bullshit!” Goku said angrily, unsure of the source of this rage. “This isn’t just your decision to make! Don’t you get it? We are meant to be together! I don’t care about the fucking Kais!” He was barely able to restrain himself from ascending, his ki snapping around them both.

“Kakorr…” Vegeta said hesitantly, staring at him in wide-eyed confusion. Goku looked at him for a moment before he realized they had swapped again. How could Vegeta cope with this constant turmoil? He brushed Vegeta’s cheek with his tail, feeling the bond shifting back at the contact, equalizing them at some strange level between helplessness and comfort.

“Vegeta,” he said, frustrated at not knowing what to do, “You keep blocking me. You won’t even talk about Rouba or anything that happened.”

“You were there. You saw. There’s nothing more to say,” he insisted.

“Damn it, Vegeta!” Goku exclaimed. “She cared about you – and I know you loved her as well. I could tell the instant you saw her. You’ve got to feel something! You can’t keep doing this to yourself – to me.”

Vegeta closed his eyes and lowered his head, all anger fading from his face. “I have to. I can’t—” He took a shaky breath.

“What haven’t you told me, Makoto?” he asked in a gentle whisper.

“She—” Vegeta breathed.

Goku could feel his prince’s regret and began to dread the answer. ::Please tell me, Vegeta. What happened?::

Vegeta curled up against him again. ::What’s the point? She died. There was nothing I could do.::

Goku frowned at the top of the head pillowed on his chest. “You aren’t responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened.” ::She died because of Frieza, not you. He is the one who killed everyone. You had nothing to do with it.::

“No. Not Rouba,” Vegeta said softly. “She died because of me.” He fell silent, only his shaky breathing betraying how his memories disturbed him.

“Vegeta,” Goku purred, cupping his chin, forcing pained blue eyes to meet his, “Tell me, please. I don’t understand.”

Vegeta just looked at him, so full of agony and indecision. All Goku could do was wait while his prince struggled with his feelings. He could feel Vegeta’s barrier start to fade and slip away, revealing a painful event he had tried to forget.

Vegeta shifted until he was pressed against him, face hidden in the crook of his neck. Goku’s hand was gently captured and placed on his prince’s head.

::You…you want me to read your memories?:: he asked, stunned. He usually tried to avoid deliberately reading Vegeta like this, understanding his prince had certain things he wanted to keep secret from everyone. He couldn’t prevent things from coming through their bond, but he did his best not to pry. But this was evidently something Vegeta found too difficult to voice.

“Yes,” Vegeta whispered, closing his eyes. “I… I can’t—”

++Rouba held him in her lap, crooning his lessons. It was important to her that he knew his duties and obligations as prince. He promised her he would remember them - he wanted to make her proud.

++”My father says I am going to train off-planet,” Vegeta said, excitement in his voice. “I’m going to get stronger than anyone.” He smiled up at her. “I’ll bet I even become a Super Saiyan.”

++Rouba frowned a moment and touched his cheek with her tail. “I’m sure you will someday, cub.”

++”I wish you could come with me. Radditz gets all confused with the lessons. And I can already beat him when we spar.”

++Rouba laughed softly. “Yes, he does get his dates wrong. Don’t worry about it, cub. He will take good care of you.” She handed him an old book. “I want you to take this with you, child.”

++Vegeta glanced at it, and then looked up at her, surprised. “But this is yours! It’s your favorite. You can’t give it to me.”

++She chuckled, bells ringing. “I know you like the tale of Chikara and Kikon, little one. It would give me great pleasure for you to have it.”

++He looked at the picture of two men looking at each other on the cover and grinned at her. “Radditz says mating is silly.”

++Rouba smiled. “Radditz is wrong. It is not silly. It is very rare, but I know someday you will be one of the fortunate ones to find a mate, little one.”

Goku smiled to himself at Vegeta’s happy memories of his Rouba He didn’t know why he had never thought about Vegeta’s childhood. For some reason, he hadn’t thought of him having a life before Frieza. Even what he could remember of their fusion didn’t include any of his prince’s younger years.

Training and killing – blood and fear – that had been all Vegeta had remembered by then. Seeing Rouba had opened up the door to a past he had all but forgotten. Radditz was right – if this boy had continued on the path he was on he would have been an honorable ruler. He could see Vegeta’s memories of the way Rouba and others in the palace had looked at and treated him. The young prince was liked and respected – not just for his title, but for the person he was.

++A very young Vegeta stood next to his father, doing his best not to react to the strong hand clutching his shoulder. He was Prince – a Prince must be strong before his King and people. There were few present – his father, some guards, Rouba, Frieza and his guards. He didn’t understand why Rouba was so furious, ki rolling through the throne room, making him narrow his eyes at the power emanating from her.

++”Fool!” Rouba shouted at the king. “Do you have any idea what you are doing? He is a child, not a pawn!”

++”Silence, old woman!” King Vegeta roared back, rising to his feet. “The brat is the Prince and he shall do his duty!”

++”Duty?! You know nothing of duty! Have you forgotten everything I taught you? Have you forsaken your people?”

++”This is for the good of our people. The boy understands – sacrifices must be made for their benefit – why don’t you, old woman?”

++”Why are you making the cub pay your price? If you do this, you have no honor - sending a child where you are unwilling to go yourself!” she growled, bones snapping as she quivered with rage.

++”Vegeta,” Frieza purred at the king from his seat on the throne, “I begin to wonder if you are even capable of ruling these monkeys. It is evident to me this woman is beyond your control. She obviously needs to be punished.”

++Vegeta stared at Rouba in shock. No one had ever dared speak to the King like that before, and especially when there was an audience. The guard were stirring, not sure of how to react. Her position gave her more leeway than any others in the kingdom, but her words were traitorous.

++The king stalked towards her, his power climbing with every step. “I could kill you for that, woman.”

++Vegeta shook his head, silently pleading with Rouba to apologize – take back the accusation. She might be punished, but she wouldn’t be executed.

++::Rouba – please stop. Father is angry. Please don’t question his honor in front of Lord Frieza.::

++ ::I cannot stop, cub. Even if it is hopeless, I must try one last time. There are some things worth fighting for even if you know you cannot win. You will understand one day. I’m only sorry I couldn’t change things, little one. I tried for centuries, but there are dark forces pushing it in this shape.::

++She faced the king fearlessly, grey eyes flashing. ”If you give the cub to that creature you will die anyway, fool. Have you no eyes? No mind? Can’t you see what filth he is? Or can you only see coins and blood?” she growled, tail snapping and bones clacking.

++King Vegeta roared and back-handed Rouba, throwing her into the arms of nearby guards. Vegeta steeled himself, trying not to react to the force of the blow. He was the Prince. He was Prince Vegeta. Honor dictated he could not go against the King’s wishes. Rouba had taught him his duty. Even if he didn’t agree, his ruler had made this decision for their people’s benefit. He was held in place by his responsibilities. Prince of all Saiyans – not just the one who was fighting so fiercely for him now.

++“Foolish woman! You do not understand power!” The king crossed to where she was growling, being held by unwilling guards. “Lord Frieza will help us. He will teach the brat what he needs to know to rule galaxies. There will be no more of your soft words. At Lord Frieza’s side, planets will quake when they hear the name Saiyan! We will bow to no one! The brat will learn his proper place!”

++Rouba snarled and slammed her tail against the king’s face, drawing blood. She wrenched free of the guards and glared at the furious king. “Liar! You aren’t doing this for him or your people! This is for your own selfish goals. Would you destroy our race – have us hated and feared by the universe? What use is power when you are dead? Don’t you care about your people? Have you no love for your cub? How can you so easily give him over to a monster?”

++”Finish it, Vegeta,” Frieza angrily said to the king, “Kill her. I will not accept anything less for her lying words.”

++King Vegeta gathered a massive ball of ki, his face illuminated by the glowing red fire. “I have heard enough of your visions and your threats, old woman. The brat will understand – this weakness – this love you keep babbling about means nothing. All that matters is strength and power!”

++Vegeta could only watch, horrified, as the king threw the fireball at his Rouba. She spit on the throne room floor, not even trying to protect herself as the blast surrounded her. ::Be proud of who you are, my Prince. And always remember you are loved.:: He could have saved her – he was strong enough – but he was the Prince and wasn’t permitted to disagree with the King.

++“Rouba!”

Goku was stunned, echoing Vegeta’s shout. The king…the king killed Rouba right in front of his eyes. She had tried to save his prince from Frieza – tried to save their race – and the king had destroyed her for it.

He was too shaken by the memories to do anything to comfort his prince, feeling the tremulous breath against his neck. Vegeta was doing his best not to react, struggling to block the pain that was bleeding through their bond, threatening to overwhelm Goku’s own senses.

“I hated him. I was glad when he died. He was my father. I wasn’t supposed to be happy he was gone – but I was.”

Goku held him close, brushing him with a safe, comforting level of ki. “She remembered you, didn’t she?”

“Yes,” he whispered. “I didn’t understand her then.” Vegeta took a shaky breath. “But she knew. Rouba knew she was going to die. And she did it anyway. She found my memory and tried to change the future. Rouba always knew everything,” Vegeta said brokenly.

Goku didn’t know what to say. Vegeta was trembling against him, tail coiled tightly around his arm. His prince had never had the opportunity to grieve the loss of his people before – Frieza would have used it against him. Goku could feel the overwhelming sorrow and anger, tears filling his eyes in sympathy. There was nothing he could do to make Vegeta feel better.

“He killed my Rouba. She loved me and he killed her. He gave me to that fucking lizard. Like I was nothing. He didn’t try to protect anyone – not me, not my people. All he cared about was power. They are gone and he is just as much to blame as Frieza. When he found out what Frieza had done, he didn’t come to get me – he came to take control from the lizard. He didn’t even try,” Vegeta said, trying unsuccessfully to control his furious tears.

“They’re gone,” Vegeta grieved, finally breaking down. “They’re all gone and they are never coming back.”

Vegeta wept.

TBC


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